(you can try but you) can't save the world
by kohee
Summary: She's struggling with an unwanted verdict, and thinks she can maybe talk it out over a cup of coffee (and a glass of scotch). Barba/Benson [Coffee Shop AU]


one-shot; _(you can try but you) can't save the world_ _  
_pairing: rafael barba/olivia benson  
word count: 1585 words

note: yet another one-shot in the SVU Coffee Shop AU. Some of the things will be a lot clearer if you read the one that spawned of everything else (take a shot on you and me) – but I like to think that perhaps this can be read on its own, sort of.

With regards to case discussion, I made adjustments the case in Pornstar's Requiem.

Set in the time frame where Barba knows about Liv's job, but she doesn't know his history.

 _begin_

It has been a really, really difficult day, a day that is both physically and emotionally exhausting, and yet, she has nothing to show for it. Liv is completely drained, and she really should be heading home, to see her son and take a long rest, and contemplate what's the next step from here.

But instead, she finds herself detouring, even as she tells herself that it's probably pointless, it's late and the café is possibly closed, but she walks towards the direction anyway.

She couldn't really explain the relief she feels when she sees that the lights are still on the Daily Dose, and the little hand-painted sign on the door proclaims it open.

She pushes the door open, and the bell tinkles. The café is quiet, there are no customers there. The pastry and bread shelves have been cleared, and wiped clean.

"I'll be out in a minute!" She hears Rafael's voice ringing out from the kitchen, and soon she hears his footsteps from the kitchen. "We're out of pastries and bread, but I can still whip up a coffee if you'd tell me..."

He comes out from the kitchen, and stops talking when he sees her standing there. "Olivia. Hi." Giving her a closer look, he blinks. "You look like hell."

"Oh thanks, Rafael, just what I needed to hear." She says sarcastically.

He raises his hands in a placating gesture. "Okay, sorry, that came out wrong. But is everything all right?"

Liv looks down at her hands, where her fingers have been twisting themselves together, suddenly feeling a little confused about why she's _there_ exactly. When she exited the courthouse earlier in the day, feeling despondent, strangely enough she thought about him.

She thought about seeing him (although she can't exactly tell him that).

"Difficult day at work." She says at last. "I decided to try my luck to see if I can get a pick me up coffee from you."

He looks at her steadily, and then he nods. "Take a seat anywhere, I'll bring it out to you."

* * *

Rafael comes out from the kitchen sans his apron. He puts two cups down on the table – macchiato for her and long black for him – and sits down beside her on the couch.

"Thanks." She says gratefully, sipping her coffee.

He's watching her carefully, scruntinising her tired eyes and the lines on her face. "You know, if you need something stronger, I have something," he says rather abruptly. "And as long as I don't make you pay for it, I don't need a license and it's not going to be illegal."

She laughs a little at that. "No, coffee's fine."

He picks up his own cup, but he doesn't drink from it; he's still staring at her. "Do you want to talk about it, Olivia?"

It is on the tip of her tongue to say no, she doesn't want to talk about it, because really, she came here to try and get away from it. But looking at him, cradling the cup of coffee he had made for her, it just came out, in bits and pieces.

"Had a really tough decision going against us today."

"Is it the case with the adult film star, who was also a student at Hudson University?" He takes a sip of his coffee.

She gives a slight start. "How do you know?"

He smiles wryly. "I read the papers, Olivia. You're a SVU Lieutenant. It's not that hard to figure out."

"Yeah." She sighs. "The jury decided to hand down a not guilty verdict."

"I'm sorry." He says quietly.

"Me, too. I'm sorry for her." She looks down at her coffee cup, suddenly wishing she had taken up his offer of a presumably alcoholic drink.

"I'm just _so_ frustrated!" She bursts out, in a rare show of aggravation. "We had everything; my ADA did his job, and she was credible, and strong. But just because she is an adult film star, they discredited everything that happened to her. They took away her right to say no. I can't..."

He feels her anger seeping through, as he feels himself going back to a place that he hates revisiting. Sighing, he gets up. "Wait here. We definitely need something stronger than coffee."

He reappears mere minutes later with a bottle of scotch and two glasses. Silently, he pours it out and hands her a glass. "Drink this."

Dutifully, she sips, but the frustration doesn't go away. She leans back on the couch and sighs.

"Do you remember? You once asked me whether I feel that this is a thankless job at times. This is one of those times, Rafael. Those two boys should not have been allowed to walk."

"You know, Olivia..." he says carefully. "I...don't know the world that you're in..." and he's not _exactly_ lying, her world and what used to be his world could be vastly different, for all he knows, "...but sometimes, with court cases and trial by jury, it's not up to you to decide. It's out of your hands."

She rolls her eyes. "I know that, Rafael, of course I do. I've had countless cases like these, cases where the criminals walk and I can't do a fucking thing, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating."

"But what you've got to understand is that, you did your best. And I'm sure you did your best every time."

"Times like these, I struggle to believe it. I wonder if I could've done anything different. Done anything better." She says tiredly, honestly.

"There's always _something_ , you know? You just can't keep going around in circles." He says gently.

She waves her hands. "Again, I know all of this, but..."

"Olivia." He says, and his voice takes on a firm edge. "You can do every single thing right, by the book. You can have the strongest testimony, the strongest witnesses, and a shit terrible defense attorney, and you can still lose. There's always a variable there, which you couldn't have known. You will try your best every single fucking time, and it can still get away from you."

He pauses to take a breath, as Liv stares at him in surprise, and quite a fair bit of shock. Everything he had just said strikes a chord in her. Every word. It's like he _knows_ what she's thinking, that he has his mind plugged straight to hers, and therefore, he had said everything that she needs to hear.

"You can't save the world, Olivia. You can certainly try, but you _can't_ , and you mustn't beat yourself up just because you can't do the impossible." His eyes take on a strange, distant look, as the green in them darkens inexplicably.

He shakes his head suddenly, and his eyes are slightly clearer. "I'm sure you are a fantastic Lieutenant, Olivia. And I'm sure you never give less than one hundred percent for all the victims and survivors you encounter."

"Rafael..." She doesn't quite know what to say, because she isn't quite sure she knows what just happened there. His impassioned words, it just all seems so private, so personal, and yet, she knows nothing of its context.

She wonders if she should ask.

(but she knows she want to ask)

She takes a deep breath. "That kind of sounds...personal, from you," she says cautiously.

His face twists fleetingly, and then he gives a brief smile. "No...not what you're probably thinking. Just...some old ghosts."

She waits for him to elaborate further, but he doesn't, instead he finishes his scotch and pours himself another one.

Liv tries to tell herself that the rush of disappointment that envelopes her doesn't really mean anything.

"Olivia, I'm sorry if I said anything inappropriate." He says suddenly. "But you must know that you are doing an amazing job, and that you should not blame yourself for anything. I'm sure it's a natural response to do that in the first few hours of the verdict, but don't let it stay with you."

"You didn't say anything wrong. I've been doing this for seventeen years, Rafael. And sometimes...I still need to hear all of that."

She reaches out, and rests her hand lightly on top of his. "Thank you."

He looks at their hands, and then he turns his palm over, grabbing her fingers and holding her hand. His eyes have become dark and unreadable again, as he leans in towards her.

Liv closes her eyes, and feels his warm breath ghosting across her lips, and he is very close now, so close.

And then she shifts her head, and coughs slightly. Rafael's hand on hers loosens, and then he pulls back. He smiles at her, a wry, knowing smile, and stands up.

She sneaks a look at her watch, and she knows that she must go. Noah is waiting for her. She shrugs on her coat, and turns to him.

"Thanks for everything."

He shrugs. "I barely did anything."

"You did more than enough. The time, the coffee, the scotch..." They both laugh albeit awkwardly to that.

"Well...goodbye, Olivia. Try to get some rest."

She nods, and he gives her upper arm a quick squeeze, in a gesture of comfort. And Liv leaves the café, still feeling the warmth of his touch on her arm, his breath on her face.

She does know that things between them are _different_ now. And she doesn't quite know how she feels about that.

(but this, whatever _this_ is, it can be a good thing)

 _end_

I was trying to do a little relationship establishment, but eh. I think I am just missing that Barba/Benson interaction so much in the finale (where it was MUCH needed, with the threats), that I just want to write them being BFFs, talking about feelings, and always having time for each other – and ultimately wanting them to just get it on already (but I digress).


End file.
